What Happened to Bullet Proof Weeks in the Fall

So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe
And I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it's nice where you are

Last Kiss - Taylor Swift

I will never stop being proud of you.


Every time I see your face, and all the new things you're doing, I smile Matthew. You make me proud every day, and we've hardly spoken in over a year. There were and are so many things I have wanted to say to you. Things you don't want to hear, and things I don't have the right to say, but I still wish you could hear them.

I love you with all my heart and soul, and I will never stop loving you. And it makes me so sad that you can't understand that. To you, I gave up on you a long ass time ago.


I know the exact moment that I crushed you. I can still feel it. It aches like a tumor in the back of my skull. That night in the house that didn't belong to either of us. We had drank together for the first time. Something we had said we would never do, but we had both become very different people during the course of our breakup.

We had some beers and took a shower together. You led me back to the bed and we made love. In the truest sense of the phrase. I needed you and I wanted you and I wanted to feel like everything was going to be okay. If we could just be us for that night, I might be able to go on being okay. Feeling your body and your warmth against me, felt like coming home. Your presence filled the gaping oozing wound that was protruding out of my heart. You were the love of my life and the fact that your life went on without me was starting to kill me. I was such a selfish little girl. Matthew, I wish you could know that I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't realize that I was breaking the both of us.

I woke up the next morning and you were laying next to me. All I could think was how beautiful your face was. I mean, really, you were beautiful to me. You were always the boy that I laid on the floor of my garage talking to all night. The first boy I said "I love you" to. You were my everything. Instead of saying those things to you, I told you that I didn't want to get back together with you. Because I focused on the anxiety I felt over explaining to our friends and family that I took you back. I was always trying to be an adult, even when I didn't want to.

But you never had to take any of the responsibility, Matthew. You didn't get it. I got to be the grown-up and think about all the repercussions of our actions, and you got to be the fun, spunky videographer who believed the whole world was all cupcakes, unicorns, and rainbows. Life didn't work that way and I hate you for the fact that I had to take all the responsibility and that you got to hate me for it. Breana, the big bad bitch who had to constantly splash you with an ice cold slap of reality. And then I got blamed for the fact that life isn't fair. Newsflash! It isn't and it's not my fault that I was preparing for the future and you weren't.

It's hilarious how much you got to blame me for. But were you the one in the CVS in the middle of the night, buying a pregnancy test and sitting in the bathroom next to me while I had to anticipate the most horrible 10 seconds of my life? Or how about having to endure the judgmental looks from the store clerk. You didn't even offer to meet me there. You just wanted to talk about my "options" or how it wouldn't have been so bad to have a family at barely nineteen.

Everything was such a mess last year. I still haven't totally recovered from it. I had a picture for how my life should be, and our relationship killed it Matthew, and I'm not exactly sure where it went wrong when I really think about it. All I can come up with are the words to The Fade. "It's a slow fade, when you give yourself away, it's a slow fade when black and white is turned to gray..". Somehow we had a slow fade from a wonderful relationship, to one of the most toxic I could imagine.

So, when I say that I am so proud of you, and truly so happy that you found someone new, I mean it with every cell in my body. You will always be so special to me. You will always be my Matthew in the back of mind. We grew up together, and I discovered so much of who I am with you, and I will always be grateful for that, and for you, and for the pain and the joy.

I love you.