Blue Moon

This morning I woke up early and had a craving for breakfast from my favorite diner in Jupiter.


I have been ordering the same thing for breakfast since I was six (grits, eggs, bacon, and a biscuit). So, when I woke up this morning I couldn't get that delicious image out of my head. I made the decision and peeled myself out of bed, puts some pants on and threw my hair into a bun. I was out the door in ten minutes and in joyful anticipation of my favorite meal.

Sitting in the diner, in a booth all to myself (Yes people - I'm obviously still single), I didn't feel uncomfortable or alone at all. I had brought my favorite book with me and my notebook in case I got a whim to write. I had already placed my order and went about my business. I finally picked my head up out of my book (and by book I mean iPhone - I had every intention of reading OK) and looked around, I realized that my diner was filled with quite a few men eating alone and couple women having breakfast with a partner.

I was the only women sitting by myself, and based on the looks that my fellow breakfast connoisseurs were shooting me, everyone but me was painfully aware of it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, why is it socially acceptable for men of all ages to eat breakfast alone, but a single twenty-something woman cannot. Certainly not without feeling like the passive observers surrounding her are forming their own assumptions and judgements for her being alone. Did she get stood up? Are her eggs no longer viable (sarcasm - everyone chill)? Is she a bitch, and that's why no one wants to have breakfast?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I believe that a large piece to that puzzle is that women (as a generalization) are considerably more relational than men (also as a generalization). So, it's perfectly reasonable to intuit that a man sitting alone for a meal is perfectly content, if not, particularly pleased not to be required to hold a conversation for the time being.

On the other end of the spectrum, women live for conversation and relationship. For many women, the idea of sitting down and eating a meal alone is an unbearably lonely concept, for some, even a complete failure on their part.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to imply that I'm completely above all female related predispositions, but I do have a tendency to prefer my own bubble sometimes. I have often escaped friends, past boyfriends, and certainly my family in exchange for my own thoughts and conversations with myself.

So, breakfast alone is, on occasion, a relief for me. It's free from social requirements, conversations that I will undoubtedly have a list of 10+ things I said out of turn, and for a short window of time I don't have to put on whatever cleaned up version of myself that the other person prefers.

I'm not sure if that makes me more masculine or feminine. Either way, I have to admit that I certainly enjoyed being a little subversive this morning. Abiding by social norms is just a little too normal for me.

The Rain in Spain Stay Mainly in the Plain

My great love lives in Spain

For the first month that we spoke I had him listed as "Marine" in my phone so that I could tell the difference between his texts and the texts from two of my exes (they all have the same name - apparently I have thing). 

I, as you can probably guess, met this poor guy on Tinder. He lives near me, but he's in the Marine Corps so he actually lived in North Carolina and was only home for 4th of July. At the time I was mixed up with an older guy that I had an all encompassing crush on. In fact, that same guy left me lonely and sad on the 4th...enter Marine from Tinder. 

He was cute, but he looked like a kid to me. I thought I was so evolved because all of a sudden, older guys were starting to pay attention to me (Tinder will do that to you). In reality, he was twenty-one, which was a year older than me. He flirted with me and I flirted back. He wanted me to let him come over, and now I really wish I had. I spent that night making dinner for just myself, and watching fireworks in my back yard all alone because I wanted the other guy to like me ( I can tell you now, that did not work out). 

We have been talking non-stop for three months. We were just supposed to be friends. I thought he was a kid and it was nice having someone to talk to between my conquests, but somewhere in there I completely fell in love with him. I don't even know how it could have happened because we've been bro's this whole time, and I didn't think it was possible for me to develop feelings for him. But somewhere between his asshole moments of telling me the gross things guys think about girls, and his ex girlfriend problems, and his drunk texts, I fell in love with that idiot. And I'm not even sure he feels the same way or ever will. He hasn't expressed any kind of real feelings toward me, and I don't want to be that girl who continues to pursue a guy even though he makes it quite clear that he "doesn't want a relationship". 

But every single day that we've spoken I have been completely and totally me, and he still texts me the next day. He has made me smile more than anyone ever has, and he's never intimidated by my personality. 

I have thoughts about him coming home from Spain and me meeting him in the airport and running up and hugging him. I have full on made a rom-com scene in my head, and that can only mean one thing: it will never work out the way that I want it to. 

My great love lives in Spain, but... 

I don't think he will ever love me.. 

Goodnight my marine

Demon Blood

I'm so god damn normal when I'm not hormonal!



I think there are plenty of women out there who can totally go there with me. My PMS last ten fucking days and I feel like my entire world is falling apart. I gain weight, I cry, I laugh, I become gratuitously hungry and gratuitously tired, at one point I hate my life and want to die and the next minute I'm horny as shit.


Hormones are a roller-coaster from Hell that you don't ask to get on, and don't get a choice to get off until you wake up one morning with blood dripping down your leg. And I know, I know no one wants to hear that. But guess what, that's truth and that's life right there.  And it's socially unacceptable to talk about because everyone thinks it's so gross. But why is that particularly more gross than any other kind of bodily fluid? We go to blood drives and have people stick needles in us so that we can take the exact same blood out of us that comes out of my hoo-ha every month.

So, guess who's going on birth control so that she can attempt a normal life again? THIS GIRL.


The idea of not becoming clinically depressed for ten days every month sounds like a life changing event. At one point, my mother even considered the idea that I might be slightly manic.. That's how bad it's been people! No wonder I'm single!!

Would you want to put up with a manic depressive girl no matter how badly you want to motor boat her double d's? I think not. It's more trouble than it's actually worth.

So here's to the potential of joining the league of normal human beings again.

Cheers!

White Blank Page

It's been a long ass time since I've been able to write lately. I don't have any song lyrics to go with today's post. Sorry to disappoint. My life has flip flopped all around for awhile. I've learned a lot in a short period of time, and have even more scars to add to the barrel of bullshit.


Being single is a strange feeling for me. I really haven't gone more than a couple months being single since I was fifteen years old. Which, most people would say that five years isn't that long to go without being single, but these last five years have felt like ten years in my space and time. Love found and lost, abuse, wondering what would happen if I just drove my car into the light pole that night and almost doing it, discovering alcohol and trying to keep from using it to cover up my pain.

Probably one of the best memories (sarcasm) so far, is driving to a CVS in the ghetto to buy a pregnancy test by myself, and having the male cashier stare at me like I am way too young to be buying it. Believe me dude, I fucking know, so you can stop staring at me now. I walked to the back of the store and into the women's bathroom. It was dark and damp and the lights in the bathroom were flickering. This was the epitome of a proud moment for me (*even more sarcasm*). I peed on the stick and waited the most excruciatingly painful three minutes of my life.

All alone.

That has seemed to be the theme for quite awhile, but I learned so much through all of this. I woke up this morning and realized that in five months of being single, I really am okay. My life is continuing on, and it's time I be present for it. No more lying about who I am so I can find companionship, no more apologizing for being a hard ass, and no more caring about people who don't love me back. It's time to focus on the continuance of my life.

My step sister just moved close to me. I haven't seen her in ten years... I think it's time I find some closure with my biological father, my hateful stepmother, and reconnect with the sister that always protected me.

I have to figure out how to deal with my life again. 

That's all I have for right now, I guess.