Goodnight Moon...

Cause I’ve been trying way too long
To try and be the perfect song
When our hearts are heavy burdens
We shouldn’t have to bear alone

So goodnight moon and goodnight you
When you’re all that I think about
All that I dream about
How’d I ever breathe without
A goodnight kiss from goodnight you

Goodnight Moon - Go Radio

 

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Hey Hun,


It's one in the morning and I'm laying here thinking about you. I'm praying that you're doing okay. Like, actually okay, not the fake okay that you're so fond of feigning. I miss you and I hope you're not spending too much time talking to your fish or getting lost in your prison of guilt.

Me?

Tonight kinda sucks. Sometimes (and by sometimes I mean: often) I feel so completely alone. I don't have anyone who understands me; the real me. And certainly no one who actually cares how I'm doing. No one to text me in the middle of the night just to check on me. It's always kinda felt like me against the world, and maybe that's a very "poor me" attitude, but I can't remember the last time I felt like anyone really cared what I had to say. Everyone is always waiting for you to ask about them, or find a way to squeeze in their own agendas. Seems like everyone has an agenda, doesn't it?

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Tonight I watched my baby sister on the couch with her boyfriend. She got her wisdom teeth removed today, and she looks so pathetic.

He came over just to bring her ice cream and sit on the couch while she fell asleep next to him for hours. I miss those days so much it hurts. I couldn't even sit and watch the movie with them because it hurt so badly.

Sixteen is such a great age for love. The world hasn't gotten a chance to fuck with you yet. Boys haven't learned to treat you like shit, and girls haven't had to learn the harsh reality that you can't trust anyone; especially not boys.

I wish I could go back.

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I'm just laying here in bed feeling trapped and tired and I feel like my ribcage could collapse at any moment. I'm so sick of laying here paralyzed and sobbing by myself, and I have absolutely no one to call. No one.

I can't even text you, when you're the only person I want right now. Because you have your own crap and I couldn't possibly ask for anything from you. I'm supposed to be there for you, not the other way around.

 But that just means I'm alone again tonight. Again.

That's okay though. There are ways to fix that..

Goodnight.

The Peppermint Milkshake

Have faith in me
Cause there are things that I've seen I don't believe
So cling to what you know and never let go
You should know things aren't always what they seem

I said I'd never let you go, and I never did
I said I'd never let you fall and I always meant it
If you didn't have this chance then I never did
You'll always find me right there, again

Have Faith in Me - ADTR

I don't know what it is about you that makes this so hard to write. Every time I start this (and there have been many) there is a fort that builds itself around my mind and I can't seem to figure my way out of it. 

I actually think the wall comes from the fact that this is one of the most gut-wrenchingly painful things I have ever had to write about. On a number of levels it's like pulling teeth for me to be vulnerable to you, because you're not the only one who's natural instinct is to protect themselves. There is an ache in my chest my and my intestines threaten to grow legs and crawl their way out through my esophagus every time I begin to tell you how much I love you. 

This was always going to be painful for me, but maybe it's best I say it anyway.  

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I was barely seventeen years-old when I met you. At first I didn't think very much of you. I had a boyfriend whom I loved deeply and you were just another supervisor I worked with. 

It was the age of big bows and new glasses, and you called me "Ms. Reynolds". It was the first "real" job I had ever had, and I was so excited to go to work everyday, because for the first time in my life I had a big group of friends to laugh with and talk to. I can see myself in a mirror; so bright eyed and naive. There were so many things I didn't know, and yet I wanted to believe I did. 

There was a day. It wasn't particularly special and you didn't do anything in particular, but I was standing there at the register and the store was slow for the time being. I looked over at you and you met my eyes and smiled and a knot immediately grew in my throat. To this day, I've never really understood why, or what about that moment changed anything for me, but it did (and most of the time I really wish it hadn't). 

I thought you were beautiful. And I know that guys think that is such a "gay" way of being described but I wish I gave a shit. I saw this kid who wanted so badly to be grown up and young at the same time, he was too smart for his own good, and he had already seen so much pain in his life that if you paid attention, you could see it written on his face and in his hands and through his body language. You looked like you had been carrying around a ton of bricks on your back and gravity was starting to catch up with you. 

In a lot of ways, you reminded me so keenly of myself. The pain I felt from the circumstances of my life could be so unbearable sometimes that I would leave the ones I loved and spend the entire night staring at the four walls of my room and cry so hard that it felt like my tears might have actually turned to blood. We both put on a persona; yours was the tough guy playboy who wanted everyone to believe he had his whole life under control, and mine was the little girl cheerleader that suppressed any bad thoughts to the back of my mind so that I could pretend like they didn't exist. I wanted to help you because I couldn't help myself. 

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She walked in and time in the store seemed to slow. As if everything that happened from that moment on played in slow motion right in front of my eyes. I could feel the pain emanating off of you once you went to sit down and you brought her your peppermint milkshake. I knew she didn't deserve it, and whatever was about to happen was going destroy you. It was so completely unfair and I wanted to crawl out of skin to keep it from happening. But I didn't know you that well and it wasn't my place to do anything. So I just sat there praying for you, and you left work. 

I want you to know that I remember that, not because I had a crush on you, but because regardless of what you believe about yourself... you didn't fucking deserve it. 

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You asked me why I love you and what you did to deserve it. Don't you fucking get it? Sometime you don't have to do anything for someone to love you. You don't have to earn it, you don't have to live up to some kind of expectation, you don't have pretend to be something you're not. I adopted you as family a long time ago, and there's nothing you can do about it. 

So go ahead and push me away or don't. Pretend like all I want from you is sex or don't. Feel guilt over not deserving it or don't. It doesn't really matter because I can see the moments of the little boy laying in bed next to me, who's scared of everything and scared of me, and scared of himself. But Hun, I'm not scared at all, and I will always be your friend and I will always be right here whether you want me to be or not. 

The same way I have always been. The same way you can't hide from me.