Hardly Golden

"Really too late to call,
So we wait for morning
To wake you is all we got
To know me as hardly golden
Is to know me all wrong, they warn"

-The Funeral by Band of Horses

Trying not to miss him is like trying not to breath. I keep waking up in the morning to these dreams of him. They're so unfair. I wish they would just leave me the hell alone. 

He keeps coming to me. Leans in to kiss me. Like nothing bad ever happened. Like he never stopped loving me. The truth is (and what my dreams won't admit to), he never loved me to begin with. I loved him and (the saddest truth is) I still love him. I loved him more than I ever have anyone else. He was an artist, and a writer, and I thought he was brilliant. He thought I was a child. 

Maybe I was. 

My body wants him to love me. My mind keeps telling me he does. I wish I had never met him. I wish I could move on...

What happens if I love him forever? I'll love his mom, his brothers, his dad, and his cousins. I'll yearn for the life I could have had if I only I had been to him, what he was to me. He was the future. He was finally being happy. He was walking down the aisle with tears in my eyes, and light in my heart. 

And now? Now he is pain, and anger, and the reminder that I might not ever be good enough. He is the reason that I wake up crying, and the reminder in the middle of the day that I can't call him and I can't text and I have to pretend not to care.

I heard this song by Band of Horses and for some reason it just felt like it summed up how I feel about Caleb. Like he never really saw me and I have to live with that. 

Okay, melodrama over. 

I promise I'll try to be more upbeat next time.