Teenagers Scare the Living Shit Out of Me

I want to talk to whoever is out there listening (or more likely: not listening) the way I would talk to a confidant or friend. That's really what this blog is all about. I didn't title it Pointless Dronings of a 20 Something to be ironic.

So, in that spirit, I'm gonna tell you whats on my mind this morning as I lay in bed drinking coffee and contemplating my life (oh the drama).

This morning the idea (*or more accurately: the entity) of insecurity ways heavily in my mind. I like to refer to it as an "entity" more than emotion, because insecurity, of any brand or genre, has the ability to completely envelope you and transform you from the person you once were, into a far less desirable, and thoroughly discontent human being.

Okay, I'm not going to attempt to explain insecurity to you any further. If you are a human being above the age of eleven, you are already well acquainted with the subject. Instead, I shall focus on the core and origins of my own personal self-esteem issues. Who doesn't want to hear about other peoples problems? Am I right?

Job/Job Interviews
I am one of the most confident people you will ever meet (situationally). I have the ability, and the skill sets, to walk into an interview for a job, nail it, and walk out of there with the job. I have done it on more than a few occasions. Nothing about the process concerns me, and I am always convinced that there is no one better than me for the position.

Adults/Public Speaking/Sales
Want me to have a full blown discussion with an adult about politics (or pretty much anything)? I am your girl. There is virtually no adult who could intimidate me out of of a intellectual conversation. Need someone to represent your brand and sell it to every person they come in contact with? Sign me up! Want me to get up and teach a lesson, or give a presentation in front of a huge room of people? I have no problem with that.

These things do not scare me. I do not feel insecurities bubble up inside of me as I consider these things in my mind. I do not lie awake at night wondering if I'll succeed. I am already convinced that I will.

Folks, we have just come to the truly entertaining portion of this program: what I am insecure about.

Girls (*shiver*)
Do not, under any circumstances, put me in a room full of girls alone. Girls scare the living shit out of me. They are, in my mind, the one and only enemy of my life. They are mean, judgmental, high maintenance, and who I am is never good enough for them. My lack of "girlfriends" is one of the most prominent points of insecurity in my life. They are the group I strive the hardest to fit in to, and subsequently, the only group I can never befriend. I usually date these insecurities back to 5th Grade, when every girl in my neighborhood wrote "We hate you Breana" and signed their names to it, on the asphalt outside of my house. Those girls had never spoken to each other a day in their life, until I took my bike around the neighborhood one day and invited them all to play together, because I thought we should all be friends. I guess they agreed. Just not friends with me. 

Boys/Relationships
I use to be one of the most confident girls when it came to boys. I thought I was the shit. I was pretty enough, but mostly I was just smart, confident, and determined. If I saw a boy I liked, I went after him. It really didn't matter who he was. That's how my first relationship came to be. I thought he was perfect. I did anything and everything necessary to get his attention, and it totally worked. We fell in love and dated for three years. Turns out that Matthew loved his porn addiction, more than he loved me. He lied to me over and over and over again for the entire term of our relationship, and I just kept taking him back. What those lies did to my sixteen year-old self, was plant the seed  that I wasn't good enough. I wasn't enough to keep him from lying and I wasn't enough to keep him satisfied. My subsequent relationships taught me the same thing.

The Boy..
And now we come around to the reason I was inspired to write this post today. There's this boy (of course there is - there always is), and I really like him. So, naturally, I am terrified that he is going to become completely bored of me. I am very old fashioned and conservative. Basically that means, I am not going to sleep with him, and I believe wholeheartedly that he should have to work at wooing me. This is a really great game plan until you realize there are virtually no guys that are willing to do that, under those circumstances (mostly I am referring to the no sex part). Given that life experience and (here's the kicker), given the fact that I have never physically met this man (Tinder, am I right?), I am sick to my stomach that he's already bored of me. Why do I give a damn? I don't know and I am trying to figure that out. I have never met him. His presence in my life will make no difference other than I felt like I connected with him better than I ever have with anyone. We could talk and talk and talk and never stop. We have stayed up all night talking almost every night for a week. I haven't found that since my first boyfriend and I was in high school then. It borderline doesn't count.

So, I lay here in bed, hoping he's still as interested in me, as I am in him. And praying that God gives me the opportunity to at least see where it goes. If any of you read this and have a similar experience as me, please leave me a comment or shoot me an email at anon16408@gmail.com

I would love to hear from someone.