White Blank Page

It's been a long ass time since I've been able to write lately. I don't have any song lyrics to go with today's post. Sorry to disappoint. My life has flip flopped all around for awhile. I've learned a lot in a short period of time, and have even more scars to add to the barrel of bullshit.


Being single is a strange feeling for me. I really haven't gone more than a couple months being single since I was fifteen years old. Which, most people would say that five years isn't that long to go without being single, but these last five years have felt like ten years in my space and time. Love found and lost, abuse, wondering what would happen if I just drove my car into the light pole that night and almost doing it, discovering alcohol and trying to keep from using it to cover up my pain.

Probably one of the best memories (sarcasm) so far, is driving to a CVS in the ghetto to buy a pregnancy test by myself, and having the male cashier stare at me like I am way too young to be buying it. Believe me dude, I fucking know, so you can stop staring at me now. I walked to the back of the store and into the women's bathroom. It was dark and damp and the lights in the bathroom were flickering. This was the epitome of a proud moment for me (*even more sarcasm*). I peed on the stick and waited the most excruciatingly painful three minutes of my life.

All alone.

That has seemed to be the theme for quite awhile, but I learned so much through all of this. I woke up this morning and realized that in five months of being single, I really am okay. My life is continuing on, and it's time I be present for it. No more lying about who I am so I can find companionship, no more apologizing for being a hard ass, and no more caring about people who don't love me back. It's time to focus on the continuance of my life.

My step sister just moved close to me. I haven't seen her in ten years... I think it's time I find some closure with my biological father, my hateful stepmother, and reconnect with the sister that always protected me.

I have to figure out how to deal with my life again. 

That's all I have for right now, I guess.