Blue Moon

This morning I woke up early and had a craving for breakfast from my favorite diner in Jupiter.


I have been ordering the same thing for breakfast since I was six (grits, eggs, bacon, and a biscuit). So, when I woke up this morning I couldn't get that delicious image out of my head. I made the decision and peeled myself out of bed, puts some pants on and threw my hair into a bun. I was out the door in ten minutes and in joyful anticipation of my favorite meal.

Sitting in the diner, in a booth all to myself (Yes people - I'm obviously still single), I didn't feel uncomfortable or alone at all. I had brought my favorite book with me and my notebook in case I got a whim to write. I had already placed my order and went about my business. I finally picked my head up out of my book (and by book I mean iPhone - I had every intention of reading OK) and looked around, I realized that my diner was filled with quite a few men eating alone and couple women having breakfast with a partner.

I was the only women sitting by myself, and based on the looks that my fellow breakfast connoisseurs were shooting me, everyone but me was painfully aware of it.

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So, why is it socially acceptable for men of all ages to eat breakfast alone, but a single twenty-something woman cannot. Certainly not without feeling like the passive observers surrounding her are forming their own assumptions and judgements for her being alone. Did she get stood up? Are her eggs no longer viable (sarcasm - everyone chill)? Is she a bitch, and that's why no one wants to have breakfast?

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I believe that a large piece to that puzzle is that women (as a generalization) are considerably more relational than men (also as a generalization). So, it's perfectly reasonable to intuit that a man sitting alone for a meal is perfectly content, if not, particularly pleased not to be required to hold a conversation for the time being.

On the other end of the spectrum, women live for conversation and relationship. For many women, the idea of sitting down and eating a meal alone is an unbearably lonely concept, for some, even a complete failure on their part.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to imply that I'm completely above all female related predispositions, but I do have a tendency to prefer my own bubble sometimes. I have often escaped friends, past boyfriends, and certainly my family in exchange for my own thoughts and conversations with myself.

So, breakfast alone is, on occasion, a relief for me. It's free from social requirements, conversations that I will undoubtedly have a list of 10+ things I said out of turn, and for a short window of time I don't have to put on whatever cleaned up version of myself that the other person prefers.

I'm not sure if that makes me more masculine or feminine. Either way, I have to admit that I certainly enjoyed being a little subversive this morning. Abiding by social norms is just a little too normal for me.

The Rain in Spain Stay Mainly in the Plain

My great love lives in Spain

For the first month that we spoke I had him listed as "Marine" in my phone so that I could tell the difference between his texts and the texts from two of my exes (they all have the same name - apparently I have thing). 

I, as you can probably guess, met this poor guy on Tinder. He lives near me, but he's in the Marine Corps so he actually lived in North Carolina and was only home for 4th of July. At the time I was mixed up with an older guy that I had an all encompassing crush on. In fact, that same guy left me lonely and sad on the 4th...enter Marine from Tinder. 

He was cute, but he looked like a kid to me. I thought I was so evolved because all of a sudden, older guys were starting to pay attention to me (Tinder will do that to you). In reality, he was twenty-one, which was a year older than me. He flirted with me and I flirted back. He wanted me to let him come over, and now I really wish I had. I spent that night making dinner for just myself, and watching fireworks in my back yard all alone because I wanted the other guy to like me ( I can tell you now, that did not work out). 

We have been talking non-stop for three months. We were just supposed to be friends. I thought he was a kid and it was nice having someone to talk to between my conquests, but somewhere in there I completely fell in love with him. I don't even know how it could have happened because we've been bro's this whole time, and I didn't think it was possible for me to develop feelings for him. But somewhere between his asshole moments of telling me the gross things guys think about girls, and his ex girlfriend problems, and his drunk texts, I fell in love with that idiot. And I'm not even sure he feels the same way or ever will. He hasn't expressed any kind of real feelings toward me, and I don't want to be that girl who continues to pursue a guy even though he makes it quite clear that he "doesn't want a relationship". 

But every single day that we've spoken I have been completely and totally me, and he still texts me the next day. He has made me smile more than anyone ever has, and he's never intimidated by my personality. 

I have thoughts about him coming home from Spain and me meeting him in the airport and running up and hugging him. I have full on made a rom-com scene in my head, and that can only mean one thing: it will never work out the way that I want it to. 

My great love lives in Spain, but... 

I don't think he will ever love me.. 

Goodnight my marine

Demon Blood

I'm so god damn normal when I'm not hormonal!



I think there are plenty of women out there who can totally go there with me. My PMS last ten fucking days and I feel like my entire world is falling apart. I gain weight, I cry, I laugh, I become gratuitously hungry and gratuitously tired, at one point I hate my life and want to die and the next minute I'm horny as shit.


Hormones are a roller-coaster from Hell that you don't ask to get on, and don't get a choice to get off until you wake up one morning with blood dripping down your leg. And I know, I know no one wants to hear that. But guess what, that's truth and that's life right there.  And it's socially unacceptable to talk about because everyone thinks it's so gross. But why is that particularly more gross than any other kind of bodily fluid? We go to blood drives and have people stick needles in us so that we can take the exact same blood out of us that comes out of my hoo-ha every month.

So, guess who's going on birth control so that she can attempt a normal life again? THIS GIRL.


The idea of not becoming clinically depressed for ten days every month sounds like a life changing event. At one point, my mother even considered the idea that I might be slightly manic.. That's how bad it's been people! No wonder I'm single!!

Would you want to put up with a manic depressive girl no matter how badly you want to motor boat her double d's? I think not. It's more trouble than it's actually worth.

So here's to the potential of joining the league of normal human beings again.

Cheers!

White Blank Page

It's been a long ass time since I've been able to write lately. I don't have any song lyrics to go with today's post. Sorry to disappoint. My life has flip flopped all around for awhile. I've learned a lot in a short period of time, and have even more scars to add to the barrel of bullshit.


Being single is a strange feeling for me. I really haven't gone more than a couple months being single since I was fifteen years old. Which, most people would say that five years isn't that long to go without being single, but these last five years have felt like ten years in my space and time. Love found and lost, abuse, wondering what would happen if I just drove my car into the light pole that night and almost doing it, discovering alcohol and trying to keep from using it to cover up my pain.

Probably one of the best memories (sarcasm) so far, is driving to a CVS in the ghetto to buy a pregnancy test by myself, and having the male cashier stare at me like I am way too young to be buying it. Believe me dude, I fucking know, so you can stop staring at me now. I walked to the back of the store and into the women's bathroom. It was dark and damp and the lights in the bathroom were flickering. This was the epitome of a proud moment for me (*even more sarcasm*). I peed on the stick and waited the most excruciatingly painful three minutes of my life.

All alone.

That has seemed to be the theme for quite awhile, but I learned so much through all of this. I woke up this morning and realized that in five months of being single, I really am okay. My life is continuing on, and it's time I be present for it. No more lying about who I am so I can find companionship, no more apologizing for being a hard ass, and no more caring about people who don't love me back. It's time to focus on the continuance of my life.

My step sister just moved close to me. I haven't seen her in ten years... I think it's time I find some closure with my biological father, my hateful stepmother, and reconnect with the sister that always protected me.

I have to figure out how to deal with my life again. 

That's all I have for right now, I guess.

Goodnight Moon...

Cause I’ve been trying way too long
To try and be the perfect song
When our hearts are heavy burdens
We shouldn’t have to bear alone

So goodnight moon and goodnight you
When you’re all that I think about
All that I dream about
How’d I ever breathe without
A goodnight kiss from goodnight you

Goodnight Moon - Go Radio

 

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Hey Hun,


It's one in the morning and I'm laying here thinking about you. I'm praying that you're doing okay. Like, actually okay, not the fake okay that you're so fond of feigning. I miss you and I hope you're not spending too much time talking to your fish or getting lost in your prison of guilt.

Me?

Tonight kinda sucks. Sometimes (and by sometimes I mean: often) I feel so completely alone. I don't have anyone who understands me; the real me. And certainly no one who actually cares how I'm doing. No one to text me in the middle of the night just to check on me. It's always kinda felt like me against the world, and maybe that's a very "poor me" attitude, but I can't remember the last time I felt like anyone really cared what I had to say. Everyone is always waiting for you to ask about them, or find a way to squeeze in their own agendas. Seems like everyone has an agenda, doesn't it?

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Tonight I watched my baby sister on the couch with her boyfriend. She got her wisdom teeth removed today, and she looks so pathetic.

He came over just to bring her ice cream and sit on the couch while she fell asleep next to him for hours. I miss those days so much it hurts. I couldn't even sit and watch the movie with them because it hurt so badly.

Sixteen is such a great age for love. The world hasn't gotten a chance to fuck with you yet. Boys haven't learned to treat you like shit, and girls haven't had to learn the harsh reality that you can't trust anyone; especially not boys.

I wish I could go back.

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I'm just laying here in bed feeling trapped and tired and I feel like my ribcage could collapse at any moment. I'm so sick of laying here paralyzed and sobbing by myself, and I have absolutely no one to call. No one.

I can't even text you, when you're the only person I want right now. Because you have your own crap and I couldn't possibly ask for anything from you. I'm supposed to be there for you, not the other way around.

 But that just means I'm alone again tonight. Again.

That's okay though. There are ways to fix that..

Goodnight.

The Peppermint Milkshake

Have faith in me
Cause there are things that I've seen I don't believe
So cling to what you know and never let go
You should know things aren't always what they seem

I said I'd never let you go, and I never did
I said I'd never let you fall and I always meant it
If you didn't have this chance then I never did
You'll always find me right there, again

Have Faith in Me - ADTR

I don't know what it is about you that makes this so hard to write. Every time I start this (and there have been many) there is a fort that builds itself around my mind and I can't seem to figure my way out of it. 

I actually think the wall comes from the fact that this is one of the most gut-wrenchingly painful things I have ever had to write about. On a number of levels it's like pulling teeth for me to be vulnerable to you, because you're not the only one who's natural instinct is to protect themselves. There is an ache in my chest my and my intestines threaten to grow legs and crawl their way out through my esophagus every time I begin to tell you how much I love you. 

This was always going to be painful for me, but maybe it's best I say it anyway.  

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I was barely seventeen years-old when I met you. At first I didn't think very much of you. I had a boyfriend whom I loved deeply and you were just another supervisor I worked with. 

It was the age of big bows and new glasses, and you called me "Ms. Reynolds". It was the first "real" job I had ever had, and I was so excited to go to work everyday, because for the first time in my life I had a big group of friends to laugh with and talk to. I can see myself in a mirror; so bright eyed and naive. There were so many things I didn't know, and yet I wanted to believe I did. 

There was a day. It wasn't particularly special and you didn't do anything in particular, but I was standing there at the register and the store was slow for the time being. I looked over at you and you met my eyes and smiled and a knot immediately grew in my throat. To this day, I've never really understood why, or what about that moment changed anything for me, but it did (and most of the time I really wish it hadn't). 

I thought you were beautiful. And I know that guys think that is such a "gay" way of being described but I wish I gave a shit. I saw this kid who wanted so badly to be grown up and young at the same time, he was too smart for his own good, and he had already seen so much pain in his life that if you paid attention, you could see it written on his face and in his hands and through his body language. You looked like you had been carrying around a ton of bricks on your back and gravity was starting to catch up with you. 

In a lot of ways, you reminded me so keenly of myself. The pain I felt from the circumstances of my life could be so unbearable sometimes that I would leave the ones I loved and spend the entire night staring at the four walls of my room and cry so hard that it felt like my tears might have actually turned to blood. We both put on a persona; yours was the tough guy playboy who wanted everyone to believe he had his whole life under control, and mine was the little girl cheerleader that suppressed any bad thoughts to the back of my mind so that I could pretend like they didn't exist. I wanted to help you because I couldn't help myself. 

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She walked in and time in the store seemed to slow. As if everything that happened from that moment on played in slow motion right in front of my eyes. I could feel the pain emanating off of you once you went to sit down and you brought her your peppermint milkshake. I knew she didn't deserve it, and whatever was about to happen was going destroy you. It was so completely unfair and I wanted to crawl out of skin to keep it from happening. But I didn't know you that well and it wasn't my place to do anything. So I just sat there praying for you, and you left work. 

I want you to know that I remember that, not because I had a crush on you, but because regardless of what you believe about yourself... you didn't fucking deserve it. 

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You asked me why I love you and what you did to deserve it. Don't you fucking get it? Sometime you don't have to do anything for someone to love you. You don't have to earn it, you don't have to live up to some kind of expectation, you don't have pretend to be something you're not. I adopted you as family a long time ago, and there's nothing you can do about it. 

So go ahead and push me away or don't. Pretend like all I want from you is sex or don't. Feel guilt over not deserving it or don't. It doesn't really matter because I can see the moments of the little boy laying in bed next to me, who's scared of everything and scared of me, and scared of himself. But Hun, I'm not scared at all, and I will always be your friend and I will always be right here whether you want me to be or not. 

The same way I have always been. The same way you can't hide from me. 

The Boston Red Sox

Baby blue staring in the window pane
Just counting drops of rain
Wondering if she's got the guts to take it
Running down her dreams in a dirty dress,
Now her heart's a mess

Praying she'll find a way to make it

So keep on climbing, though the ground might shake
Just keep on reaching though the limb might break
We've come this far, don't you be scared now
'Cause you can learn to fly on the way down

Fly - Maddie and Tae

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 Tonight I was laying there on the car ride home from getting ice cream with my family. 

I was thinking about my life right now, and what it feels like to me. So often I have felt my success ultimately defined by my relationship status. Not to say that I wasn't extremely ambitious outside of my relationship, but I certainly did not feel like my life was complete and happy unless I had a boyfriend. 

I'm single right now, and for the first time in my life I'm actually content to just be me. Nights can be lonely (and sometimes emotional), and there are certainly mornings where I wish I was waking up to a "good morning" text from someone who loves me, but ultimately I have so much more going on in my life that having a boy around seems insignificant by comparison.

 I have so many expectations and goals for my life, and I'm not willing to settle on them; not for anyone. Not for the firefighter, the business man, the artist, or the golfer. I want the freedom to be whoever I want, say whatever I want, and do whatever the fuck I want. 

My life is going to mean something. I know I'm meant to be someone, and right now I just want to figure out who that is or is supposed to be. And maybe that's not a devastating realization to a lot of people, but it was for me. It was a first, and I am stronger for it. 

So whatever life throws at me, I'm ready but not desperate for it. 

I'm a fighter.